Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
