Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
