remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
