i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
