I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
