And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
