i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
