That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
