I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
