Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
