I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
