frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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