someone threw a dead crab at me
I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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