I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
