I hate all girls vehemently.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
