"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
