We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Randomize
