i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
