I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We are two peas in an std pod
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize
