dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Randomize
