some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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