beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
