Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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