You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
