I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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