Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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