She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
