guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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