Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
