Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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