I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
