im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
