I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
