and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
