the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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