He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Naked. naked and bneed help.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
