We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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