When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
