Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Randomize
