It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
