so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
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