i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Randomize
