Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
