She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I currently don't understand fingers.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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