I don't usually arrange sex via text message
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
