His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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