Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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