I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
