I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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