Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
