I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
